The Cranky Ol' Bat

Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death! - RuPaul


How to Navigate the Streets in the City With the Second-Worst Drivers in America

Yes, second worst. Hate to say it, but my ol' hometown has nada on Central Floridians. ("'s a way of life!!" More on that some other time, however.)

As a public service to the traveler, may I present:

Phoenix Driving Rules

1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is: "FEE - niks."

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to 10:00a.m. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 p.m. to 7:00 p.m. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on all freeways-I-10, I-17, U.S. 60, Loop 202 -- is 85 mph. You may only exceed that speed on Loop 101, where the speed is allowed to match the highway number. Anything less is considered wimpy.

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Phoenix has its own version of traffic rules. Cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go next at a four-way stop. The truck with the biggest tires go after that. (Note: East Valley, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.)

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever..... Seriously!

7. Construction is a permanent fixture in Phoenix. Detour barrels are moved around during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, squirrels, rabbits, crows, vultures, javelinas, roadrunners, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.

9 . You must know that "Maricopa Freeway, Papago Freeway and the I-10" are all names for the same road.

10. To find anything in Phoenix, it is required to know where Central and Washington are. This is our Alpha and Omega-the Beginning and the End.

11. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated."

12. If you are in the left lane, and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly.

13. Ground clearance of at least 12 inches is recommended for city driving.

14. You are allowed to wear potholders to protect your hands and fingers during the summer driving months. PS: It was 123 degrees in Bull Head City on 7/21/05 !!!!

15. If you are driving next to someone in June, July, August or September and they have their car windows open "DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT", they have enough problems already.

16. Leaving your closed can of pop in the car during the above same months, will result in the creation of a explosive device equal to a that of a small atomic bomb.

17.A cup of coffee left in your car in the morning will be hotter when you come back in the afternoon.

18. License plates are now "optional" in Arizona.

19. Contrary to popular belief, "Snowbirds" do not "fly".

20. 4x4 vehicles are standard for Phoenix valley highway driving - in case of that "sudden" blizzard in July.


Post a Comment

<< Home