The Cranky Ol' Bat

Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death! - RuPaul



I am getting less and less keen on all this holiday stuff. It's gotten too damn complicated....and that's just in my family and friends.

My sister in law is a pagan who practices....I dunno what she calls it. Nature worship, I think. It involves a lot of herbal crap, I know that much. I think her big holiday is the Solstice. How she observes it is something I'm not quite clear on, but I'm pretty sure candles are involved. Possibly some Celtic chanting. And of course, herbal crap.

WHY I HATE IT: I can sometimes barely get all my shopping done by the 25th, or by the cutoff for shipping to arrive before the 25th. Now I have to get it done four days earlier. @#$%!!!!! (That's Celtic for "excrement".)

My brother is an atheist. This year. Heaven only knows what he's going to be next year. Maybe reform Buddhist. He usually celebrates Festivus. Festivus is great since it's theoretically anti-commercial, but now you can get greeting cards for it, so that's debatable.

WHY I HATE IT: My brother vehemently denies the existence of God and the materialism of Christmas, yet expects a present on the 25th and doesn't confine his "airing of grievances" to just one day. Plus....I bet he secretly puts up an artificial metal pole (silver spray painted PVC pipe), but my sister in law won't confirm it.

One of my best friends is Jewish, so I have to shop for Chanukah. Any holiday that encourages the eating of latkes and donuts is fine by me! (If it wasn't for the "no bacon" rule, I could happily be Jewish.) But trying to find Chanukah wrapping paper or other supplies can be a real bitch sometimes. Luckily I live in one of the more Jewish areas of the country now, so it's easier and the selection is better.

WHY I HATE IT: Ok, I don't really hate it. I love her to death, but the fact that Chanukah jumps around every freakin' year is a pain in the ass. Some years I can hit the after Christmas sales and get smoking deals for her, other years, nope....full retail. And I gotta shop and send it early those years, too!

Me & the hubby celebrate Christmas.

WHY I HATE IT: If I hear one more freakin' escapee from the Arctic north bitch and moan about "it doesn't feel like Christmas without snow", I'm going postal. I used to enjoy the blank stares when I would confront particularly annoying idiots with a "what the @#$% kind of weather do you think Bethlehem is having, you @#$%?" when I lived in Phoenix. After all, the climate is similar. But it's harder here in the swamp. Besides, it seems that half of these whiners are from Noo Yawk or Noo Joisey.....and not a single one of them remembered to bring along decent pizza. Wankers, every one of 'em!

Kwanzaa starts the day of Christmas. Or the day after it. I'm not sure. But I really enjoy wishing my pale buddies "Happy Kwanzaa!", just because I'm more than a little insane. I'm sure that my friends, the "Brave Ebony Warrior" and "Ethiopian Princess", enjoy their annual email greetings from their friend, the "Nubian Nut".

Any holiday with a Swahili greeting of "Habari Gani!" (loosely translated as, "What up?") can't be all bad.

WHY I HATE IT: Ok, I don't really hate this holiday either. But the candelabra thingy is a blatant rip off of Chanukah. Yeah, I know....different colored candles and all that. Tell me with a straight face that you didn't think of Chanukah the first time you saw that thingy....whatever it's called. Plus all this "traditional African holiday" crap is just that, crap. It was celebrated for the first time in....are you ready?.....California. 1966.

I'm sure there's some Muslim holiday going on now, too. I think it's called Eid. All I know is the guvmint sells stamps for your Eid greetings right now. I guess it officially made the big time if they are selling commemorative stamps. I was hoping they might use one of the cartoons from Denmark on them, joy for me. Damn.

WHY I HATE IT: General principles, plus I'm not keen on any religion that won't let me walk around half nekkid, insist on being treated as a man's equal, drink beer and eat BBQ pork. I'll give up one, maybe two on a special holiday, but not all four. No way, no how.

I'm sure I missed out on mentioning some Shinto day of joy, or some festival the Australian aborigines are observing. Sorry.

Look on the bright side. At least I didn't offend you in this missive.

Ah, hell. Got to get to the post office before it closes. It should be fun standing in line with the Tsarevich this year. Oh, yeah....I'll give him some eats and a clean nappy first, just to be on the safe side.

In case my cards and packages are late.....Happy Whatever. May it be peaceful, may you be surrounded by the ones you love, and may you have plenty of delectable holiday goodies to share. Remember that at this time of year, they are all calorie free. Seriously. It's part of the holiday magic we all treasure.

Take care and best of everything, no matter what you celebrate.


Santa Is A Jerk!

Remember those old animated Rankin-Bass Christmas specials from back in the late 60's-70's? I was thinking about when Joey will finally be big enough to watch them with me, but first....go get Mommy a beer!! and enjoy the stories.

Anyway, I saw this and it states one thing I always thought about "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer", but in much politer terms.....that is, someone definitely needs an ass-kicking in that story, and it ain't Rudolph.

It never was a mystery to me why that one little elf wanted to be a dentist. Halitosis wouldn't be so bad as workin' for Da Christmas Man.


UPDATE: No, I am not going to send my little boy on a beer run. Geez. I'll just teach him how to operate the blender so Mommy can have her frosty margaritas.

ANOTHER UPDATE: You do realize I'm joking, right???