The Cranky Ol' Bat

Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death! - RuPaul


What Time Of Day Are You?

You Are Sunset

Even though you still may be young, you already feel like you've accomplished a lot in life.

And you feel free to pave your own path now, and you're not even sure where it will take you.

Maybe you'll pursue higher education in a subject you enjoy - or travel the world for a few years.

Either way, you approach life with a relaxed, open attitude. And that will take you far!

Tip o' the hat to Miss Midnight, aka Scone at Midnight...

Hey, it fits, and besides.....I come from the state with the most beautiful sunsets anywhere....

Not Exactly "Summer Camp"

Wanna break the law? Lord knows I've been tempted, especially when I have had to deal with someone who, in my opinion, "needs killin'".

(First off, make sure you are doing a federal crime if you want to go to one of the nicer Graybar Hotels. State penitentiaries are not the kind of place for a gentle stay....I don't care what state you are in, they don't compare to federal prisons.)

You've decided you can do the time, so you did the crime. Now....where to serve out your sentence? Click here to find out where the experts recommend you repay society. The prison camps here offer everything from a bookmobile to paralegal training.

It's not like the old days, when there golf courses and lobster bakes at Eglin Federal Prison Camp, but it sure beats Sing Sing!


Near a Ben & Jerry's??

If it is partcipating in Free Cone Day, what are you waiting for???

Have one for me, there's not one here in Brevard County.....grr.

Knee Defenders Might Be Obsolete on Airbus

Remember a while back when I mentioned a product designed specifically for the long-legged passenger....the Knee Defender?

Airbus is pitching a new "seating" option to some potential Asian airline customers for the A380, saying that it could possibly accommodate an additional 353 passengers on a plane that normally would seat about 500. Yes, that's a plane that theoretically could carry 853 passengers.

I don't even want to think about how long it would take to get all those butts and carryons off of that plane. Yeesh.

What is this miracle "seating", you ask?

Well....there's no seat. Passengers would be strapped in while standing up against a padded backboard.

Don't believe me? Click here if you are a NY online reader (free registration), or if you prefer not to register, click here for an edited version of the same article.

Could it happen here? Maybe. There is no FAA regulation that states you have to have a seat, just that you have to be secured, and able to reach the aisles in case of emergency exit.

I still wonder if this would be something the American flying public would want, however. On the plus side, no really huge passenger trying to squeeze into their seat and spilling over onto yours, not likely there would be a screaming child next to you, and no reclining problems, but on the other long are you willing to stand, and how much of a discount are they going to offer you to do it? Is it BYOB back there, or do you get served drinks and/or a snack like the guys in the seats?

My prediction for what's up toilets. 25 cents for the first three minutes, 25 cents for each minute after that....


I Wonder What the Copyright Laws Are in the UAE?

Apparently the Muslim world has decided to answer back to South Park's "Muhammad episodes".

Air Arabia, a discount airline flying out of Sharjah in the United Arab Emirates, has little characters on it's website that look a lot like the perpetually snowbound stars of Comedy Central. (The really funny thing is that one of the characters, Kyle, is a Jew. Didn't see any little Hasids on the website when I hit the refresh button. No little versions of Wendy or Cartman, either.)

Should South Park's creators sue? Oh, hell no....they ought to lampoon the crap outta them. Preferably with a slap in at Tom Cruise while they are at it, just because.

The Good News? You (Probably) Ain't Gonna Die Yet

Yes, the death rate in the good ol' USA dropped, and dropped pretty big, in spite of the fact that according to the media we're all a bunch of fat, lazy hogs who consider flipping the remote a form of aerobic exercise.

(You mean it's not? - ed.)

Biggest gainers in the death lotto were Hispanics, with a 6 percent drop in their death rates, followed by Native Americans at 5.9 percent. Men are also continuing to catch up with their ladies in the lifespan department. Now, the ladies outlive the gents by 5.2 years, with that number shrinking by .1 each year since 1980.

The bad news is.....I guess I gotta save more in my retirement account than I planned. Female life expectancy is heading towards the big 8-0, and no way is the Jet Set Chick going to be fighting the kitties for the last bit of Meow Mix in her golden years.


Palestinian Booming Economy Watch, Part One

Tired of busy airports clogged with people and grounded flights?

Have I got an airport for you!

Gaza International is now completely under the administration of the Palestinian Authority. The staff shows incredible dedication, I will give them that. They faithfully show up every day for their jobs, including gate agents and baggage smashers.

One tiny little problem....the Israelis ripped up the runways during the Intifada in 2001, and apparently the Palestinians have been really busy doing other things like suicide bombings to rebuild their economy.

The gate agents, bag smashers and the rest of them spend their days shooting the bull. (Actually, it sounds like my dream job....where do I sign? - ed.)

If the rest of the civilized world does follow through on their threats to cut off the Palestinians because of the election of Hamas to power, they might get laid off. But in their defense, they're going on five years without a crash.....surely that must be rewarded? Right?


Damn, I Thought He Was Dead!

Remember the 70's best-seller "Chariots of the Gods"? Well, he's still around and running a theme park in Switzerland.

I swear, I am not making that up. Check out the weird story for yourself here.


Sharon Stone, Wave Bye-Bye to Your Career....

I think anyone with five functioning synapses knew that Basic Instinct 2 was going to suck, and could tell that from a mile away.

But how bad is it? Check out the reviews on this site. Ouch!!! Even the reviews classified as endorsements aren't complimentary.

It's sad when reading the reviews is more enjoyable than watching the movie!


Nothing Like a Romantic Meal With Your Sweetie....

after you've tossed a plate at a sign representing "husband" or "wife" to express your anger at that special someone.

Yes, if you have always wanted to share Filipino delights by candlelight but still have a few issues to work out first, have I got a restaurant for you!!


No Accounting For Taste, I Guess....

Ok, when I read this I thought it had to be an April Fool's Day joke. Maybe part of it is. But according to Auntie Beeb, Air France and British Airways have decided to ban a Swedish "delicacy" called surstromming.

Wise move, say I. Many things make me kind of queasy right now, but this is definitely something that would make me lose my lunch.

This stuff probably pairs well with durian. Pregnant women aren't supposed to eat durian.....thank God!!

Paging Tolya!!

That headline is a bit of an inside joke between me & the Tsar. I'll let you in on it.

Tolya is a big bear of a Russian guy. He can (and has) drunk other people under the table, and easily consumed enough food to keep the average family stuffed at dinnertime. We took him once to a German restaurant in Glendale, Arizona. Me & the Tsar were happily munching on an entree for two.....and so was Tolya. Even after eating the double portion, he was still hungry!! He ate an additional sausage plate, and had some more good German beer to wash it all down. Tolya even had dessert afterwards.

Surprisingly, he's not 300 pounds or more, or a raging alkie.

Anyway, there is one guy he deals with often at Honeywell named David. David is, well...decidedly different, as in, he thinks he hides his preferences for close companionship quite well. Uh....nope! Tolya has this rare gift for seeming like he has no idea that he is driving other people slightly insane with innocent seeming actions, and delights in taking David for lunch at Hooters. Just the place for taking a guy who likes men, right??

Tolya claims he likes the beer and wings. However, the only person he ever takes there is David, not any of the other raging horndogs he comes across. Hmmm.....

Tolya won't be able to treat David to a free flight on Hooters Air for much longer, but at least he'll be able to treat him to a weekend at nearby Vegas' Hooters Casino. The old San Remo has been reborn as the latest venture in the scantily clad wing empire. Click on the link to read the review....

And if you see a Russian guy dragging a very uncomfortable looking guy in there, chances are it's Tolya.